Mom

I miss you terribly. I have never missed another person as
much as I miss you right now. I really miss you so much it hurts. I
miss your jokes and how you keep me in line. I miss your
encouragement, how you know what I’m thinking all the time, I miss
your food. I miss invading your space as soon as you walk in from
work. I miss being obnoxious and talking through the door while
you’re trying to pee. I miss flopping on your bed. I miss your
hugs. I miss the way our house smells. I miss watching movies with
you. I miss you picking on me. I just really, really miss you.
Right now, I feel like I’m not important to you at all. Even when
I’m gone, you call me to yell at me. You never call me just to talk
to me. I talk to Nana more than I talk to you now. Nana calls me
just to ask me how my day was. Sometimes I just want to scream at
you and shake you until you see things like I see them. Sometimes,
I want you to see that you had a choice and you didn’t choose me
and that it really hurts. Sometimes I wish you could see how awful
I feel because everything is my fault and that if I could fix it, I
would. Sometimes, I wish that I wasn’t so selfish. Maybe things
would be different if I wasn’t so selfish. But other times I look
back and see those times that you never stood up for me. I see
those times you tried to justify everything and say that it just
couldn’t be helped. I remember those times that no matter how hard
I tried to explain to you, you just wouldn’t believe me. I remember
those times when I was very last on your list of people to worry
about, when everyone else came before me. I remember those times
that I tried so damn hard to make you happy, but I just couldn’t. I
remember all of this stuff, and I just get mad all over again.
Because, honestly, I never felt like you thought I was
good enough.