This is the bed that I have made. This is the grave where I will lay. These are the hands where I will bury my face. I don’t believe in wasting time searching for truth you will never find. Nobody moves, we live in the great decay.
All these ghost towns share a name. Anywhere, USA. All these strangers look the same. The great decay.
From birth to the grave, I’ve seen what it can do. I’m afraid it’s got me too. I can feel it suck me in. I can feel I’m losing grip. Day after day it’s static life. Week after week, it’s sacrifice. Month after month you mediate all of the years that waste away.
This is it. The pivotal moments that will determine the rest of my life.
You may think, “Oh, there she goes being all over dramatic again.”
No.
The next week of my life will determine so much. If I don’t pass this fucking class I will not graduate on time and it will tank my GPA, which will push me back a semester in college (if I even get in), which will limit my choices, which will have some effect on the major I end up choosing, which will affect my future employment, which will affect my my future massively.
I mean, seriously. This is important shit.
I do not want to be stuck in this shit hole of a town for the rest of my life, working a dead end job where the only thing I can look forward to is possibly getting day shifts.
I do not want to be stuck in a town where the biggest thing around is the Walmart and the Target.
I do not want to be limited by my surroundings, limited by a fucking piece of goddamned paper that says I’m intelligent enough to attend a higher place of education.
I do not want to be in the same situation I’ve seen so much of my family deal with. No.
I’m better than this. I have a potential to be great at whatever I want, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this shit get the best of me.
I love how people say, “Oh, you did your best. Better luck next time. “
Bitch, there is no next time.
If my best is not good enough, if I cannot fucking graduate from high school, I might as well go fuck my cousins and make meth while robbing banks and having copious amounts of unprotected sex. I might as well blow shit up, kill people and tell everyone what I really think about them. I will over dose on heroin, drop insane amounts of acid, drink until I puke so much I cannot feel my eyes.
And after I do all of that I will flip burgers until the Rapture and when Jesus comes to take me away I will tell him to send me to hell because I didn’t pass Algebra III and I do not deserve to go to heaven.
That’s how this will go down. I promise.
Now that I’ve finished my hysterical meltdown, I need to go get ready for the next one. It’s coming.
I just want to cuddle with someone warm and boy-like. I just want to be safe and quiet and warm and not have to worry about anything.
I want this fucking semester to be over, I want this school year to be over. I want to be out of this state and leave all of these faces behind. I want to run and never look back. I want to be alone and free and wild. I want my fucking tattoo. I want to hold hands with someone and it not mean a thing because permanence is something that I do not want right now. I want to sleep for days, clean everything, make lasagna, eat lasagna, go party, stay home, not talk to anyone, tell everyone I love them, eat more, eat lots more, eat until I die.
I want to do anything but be me right now.
