One of my good friends wrote something about what it’s like to live with her disorder. I thought this was a brilliant idea, because it gave me an insight to whats going on in her head. It also helped me feel better about some of the things that are going on.
So, here is my post.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Most of my good friends know this already, and that’s fine.
What you don’t know is what it’s like to live in my head.
First, I want you to take a deep breath and think about something that makes you insanely angry. Like so angry you want to hurt someone. So angry you cannot see straight, so angry the only thing you can do is scream. Let it fill you up for a second or two.
Now stop.
Think about something that makes you happy. So incredibly happy you can do nothing but smile. Something so amazing that you’re full to the brim with joy and excitement. Blood is rushing around in your body, carrying bliss to every capillary. Whatever would make you happier than a pig in shit, would complete your life right now, think about it.
Pause that.
Now, you’re thinking about something awful. Something so dreadful you cry. You can feel the weight of your sorrow in all of your limbs. Your world is ending, your stomach feels hollow, your breathing is sharp and shallow. You very well might die, that’s how terribly sad you are. You are alone.
Now stop again.
Imagine doing that endless times a day. Repeating a cycle of emotions over and over and over.
I feel things about ten times more intensely than the average person. I skip straight over upset and go right to beyond angry. I skip sad and go straight to violently depressed. I skip happy and go right to over joyed. You get the idea.
So, not only am I feeling things super intensely, I’m switching moods every five minutes to every day. In the space of an hour I will hit four extremes and start right over again. I have no control over anything I feel or say or do.
The most frustrating part is that I know I’m doing it, I just can’t stop it.
I’m super paranoid about people leaving me. It’s hard for me to have relationships with people because I’m so crazy.
Most people don’t know how to handle me. I am super moody and insecure. I have issues trusting people half of the time and the other half of the time I trust people too much.
I go through highs and lows. If I’m in a high, I’m impulsive and reckless. I’ll spend money I know I shouldn’t. I’ll drink. I’ll be insane. If I’m in a low, I’ll just stop caring about everything.
I don’t take criticism well at all. I’m hyper sensitive to what people think, how they react to me, and how they treat me.
I have black or white thinking. Either something is, or it is not. There is no gray.
My opinion of you will change from extremely positive to extremely negative quickly and irrationally.
I crave human interaction so much sometimes, I will sit around at stare at my phone and wait for people to text me or call me.
Other times, I will turn my phone off. I will ignore your texts, phone calls, emails, instant messages, everything.
Needless to say, I’m a person of extremes.
I’m by no means an easy person to be friends with, to live with, or be in a relationship with.
If you’re one of my good friends, you already know about it. You probably just don’t know what it means.
So, please be patient with me when I’m going through all of this. It’s not easy. It’s not fun. And I’ve told everyone who matters what’s going on.
If I say something mean, I probably don’t really mean it. If I avoid you, I probably want to talk to you but I just can’t make myself. The littlest things can ruin a friendship for me; I read into everything because I’m looking for signs that you’re going to hurt me.
Half of the time, I cannot explain why I do things. I have trouble expressing myself with words. If you ask me how I’m feeling or what’s wrong with me, I’ll have to write about it because words are tough for me to handle.
So, now you know. You know why I’m so moody. You know why I’m insecure beyond belief. You know why I’m always tired. You know why I am the way I am.
But I’m still a person. My feelings are still real, my thoughts are still my own, they’re just not like everyone else’s.
