Brother

I had to hold my brother in my arms while he cried into my shirt and begged me not to go and to take him with me.

My heart broke. And I held him. And we cried.

 

We cried for everything, for every fight we’ve gotten into, for every time we’ve been the cause of a fight, for every time we’ve hidden in our rooms because it was too scary in the living room.

For every time we stole the others cookie when no one was looking. For every time he’s crawled in bed with me because he’s been scared. For every time I’ve crawled in bed with him because I needed to know that something in this world loved me unconditionally.

For every skinned knee that’s been ‘fixed by magic band-aids’, for every movie watched together, for every time I made dinner and he told me he loved it even though it tasted like garbage. For every fort, every monster vanquished, every bit of lava avoided. For every homework problem, for every art project, for every video game level beaten, controller shared, controller stolen, CD broken, army man sucked up by the vacuum, for everything. We cried for everything.

 

I have never loved another human being as much as I love him. I would move the moon and the stars, I would do anything to make him happy. When people say that they love someone with every part of them, I know what they mean.

I wish I could describe it. I wish I could let everyone know. I wish you could feel everything that I feel. Every single part of me resonates with love for him.

I’m the worst person in the world. I’m so selfish and rude and inconsiderate. I’m possibly the worst role model ever.

But who will stand up for him now that I’m leaving? Who will tuck him in? Who will tell him cheat codes for video games? Who will fix scrapes, make dinner, all of that? Who will do it if not me?

I’m so selfish, it’s making me sick. I hate myself right now.

I hate myself for everything.

Because we all know it’s my fault. It’s always my fault.