Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time there was this beautiful princess and everyone bowed down and worshiped her because she was way more awesome than anyone else ever to exist. She was funny and witty and drove the boys wild. Like, really wild. Like she drove them so wild they were rounding boys up and placing them in boy-zoos. That’s how awesome she was.
She never got frustrated with her princess school, no matter how much it looked like she was never going to graduate and become a queen. She just smiled and took whatever her evil teachers threw at her, because she knew it was her destiny to become a queen anyways.
She was always patient with her little brother, who, even though he was wicked and put roaches in the royal bathroom sink so she would scream and run first thing in the morning, had a heart of gold and loved her more than anything. She was the perfect role model because she never drank out of the royal milk carton and never said the word “fuck”. Ever.
This amazing girl never got smart with her mother. Mainly because her mother would slap the taste out of her mouth, but also because she was just that amazing and never thought of an evil thing to say ever because she was so dang awesome.
Miss Perfect Pretty Princess went to her royal princess job and never thought mean things about people who shopped there. She was always on time, always polite, and never ever ever stood around and pretended to look busy when her manager walked around the corner.
Her royal room was always clean, her royal clothes were always washed and folded, and she never left the house without looking royally beautiful, complete with makeup and matching shoes. And her royal futon was always made.
And her name was Candace.
The End.
What a great story, right?
Too bad its just a story. I’m really that bad guy from that story where that princess was in distress and stuff.
Sometimes I wish I was perfect and woke up looking beautiful and did everything right. But then I wouldn’t be half as funny. I would have the personality of a rock.
I wish I was all of those things that Miss Perfect Pretty Princess is. Everything would be so much easier.
But I’m not perfect.
So, I can sum it all up with a song.
Beautiful Disaster by 311.
