I was talking to my best guy friend about two days ago, about sex and relationships and all sorts of stuff. It was a normal, perverted, typical conversation. And then he spoke the awful words of idea.
“You should totally blog about this stuff.” To which I replied:
“Uh, no. I don’t think everyone wants to know about my sex life, or lack there of on occasion.”
“Oh, come on. Everyone knows the artistic, depressing Candace. They want the edgy, raw, sexy Candace. They want the juicy bits,” he tells me.
“I’ll go see if I can find her. I think she died or something.”
“You have a week. You need to find her in a week.”
Okay, so that’s not verbatim what was said, but that’s the general idea of the conversation. I’m a little apprehensive about talking about sex. I mean, I can make a penis joke just like the next person, but thats because it’s impersonal.
Sex is not impersonal for me. Or, most of it isn’t anyways. I don’t know what I would say about it, also.
“Hey guys. I had sex the other night and it was mildly enjoyable, but his penis was the definition of ‘chode’. Also, is it cool if I bitch about how I didn’t get to have an orgasm?”
No. Not only would I never say that, but it’s just disrespectful. So he has a wonky penis? I surely don’t want to ruin the surprise for the next woman. Also, this is only an example. I don’t want someone to read this and be like, “I’m not the one with the weird penis, am I?” Weird.
So, no. There will be no sex posts now or ever, really.
If you guys want raw and edgy, pretend I’m in a loose fitting sweater, combat boots, heavy eyeliner, listening to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I mean, it’s not far from reality, anyways. And the fact that I just totally missed my mouth and spilled coffee down my entire body is sexy right? Does that count?
Or pretend that the new definition of ‘raw and edgy’ is something along the lines of ‘typical white girl with a semi-interesting life and a heavy dose of sarcasm.”
I mean, these are great alternatives to trashy posts about sex. Honestly, all I could write about sex would be trashy.
So, here is my sex post.
I’m so raw, edgy, and sexy now.
